The following weekend Cass received a call from Sabina, she wanted to meet up. They met in Seven Dial over steaming thick Italian hot chocolate. Sabina tucked into an enormous mountain of chou pastry and cream.
Cass was mentally calculating how to burn off the hot chocolate. Then she secretly berated herself, wondering if she would ever develop a healthy relationship with food.
“I just wanted to check you were really okay,” Sabina said, pushing the plate towards Cass. “Julian is more extreme than most.”
“I really am fine,” said Cass, eyeing the confectionary masterpiece. “We have decided to go to different events, that is if you ever invite me to a party again. I hope I didn’t make a scene.”
“Not at all, I am glad you still want to join us. I want to take you shopping for our next event. I really like you Cass. You have no pretence or agenda. It is refreshing.”
Cass took the compliment. She liked Sabina too. “I have no agenda and it means I don’t know where this is all going?”
“Why does it have to go anywhere? Pleasure does not have to have a goal.”
“I know, but I don’t really understand why I enjoy the darker side of it,” Cass said sadly.
“Darling, you are not weird or unusual. Lots of people have similar fantasies. The fantasy has nothing to do with actual physical abuse. Admittedly, discomfort does assist with adrenaline and dopamine release. But the main basis of these fantasies is Narcissim.”
“Thanks, I am a narcissist, that is an attractive thought,” Cass quipped sarcastically.
“You certainly aren’t an actual narcissist. Incredibly dangerous people,” Sabina said diving into the mountain of cream. She munched happily, then said,” The narcissim comes from a need to be desirable, so desirable that someone cannot stop himself or herself. A rape fantasy is not about rape, it is about being out of control and wanted.”
Sabina smiled wickedly and whispered, “I bet, you need to feel shame to come. “
Cass blushed, answering into her hot chocolate, ”Yes, how did you know?’
“Oh you are so cute when you are embarrassed,” laughed Sabina. “ You want to be the good girl. Lots of people want that. It is probably from too much religion in school. Original Sin and the rest of that Scheiss. You don’t want to get into trouble for doing something naughty or wicked, so the bad man or woman made you do it. That is why it appears to be a rape fantasy. You don’t want to take ownership of your own desire for loss of control. ”
“So I am not that unusual?” Cass asked.
“No perfectly normal, most sexual perversions are,” Sabina smiled. “But most people won’t admit it to themselves. It is sad. If they did they would be much happier.”
“Not all sexual perversions though,” Cass suddenly felt uncomfortable.
“God! No! Anything, which involves actual lack of consent is very wrong and shows a level of psychopathy, which needs to be checked and regulated. But deep down that behaviour has nothing to do with sexual desire, more a desire to destroy.”
“You mean kids, animals and dead people, don’t you?” Cass checked facetiously.
“Of course I do!” laughed Sabina. “But there are some behaviours which you would find repellant but actually allow a control release to another. “
“I am sure most people would find my “control release” repellant, so I try not to be too censorious,” Cass said again into her hot chocolate.
“Oh here comes the guilt again!” Sabina said in mock exasperation. As they left the café and walked to Coco de Mer, Sabina told Cass about another group she looks after.
She painted a quaint story about an extremely successful man. He had issues about the toilet since he was little. Sabina waxed lyrical about over early potty training. The problem was that when this gentleman became excessively stressed, he liked to redecorate the nearest toilet with his own excrement. He found this a relief and increased his libido.
After one too many unfortunate meeting with his superior, who reminded him of his mother, he started doing this redecoration in the office facilities. This started to happen more regularly and he was found out. Luckily for him, he was worth more too the company than the discomfort of the poor cleaning women. One of his colleagues was a member of Sabina’s club and referred the man to her.
Sabina counseled him and made sure that he had a proper out let for his own perversion, with people who had similar tastes.
“I feel a bit sick,” said Cass, as she inspected a beautiful glass dildo in London’s supreme sex emporium.
“It isn’t to my taste either, but at least he has a proper outlet now, and the cleaners are paid properly. He has even found a lovely partner who shares his own pursuits. He is a much happier human being. My point is that the more we hide our true selves, the more destructive we can become. You are doing the world a favour by being true to you. So please stop with all the guilt.”
“Even if it turns me on?” Cass smiled.
“You should have gone into the Church. Have you chosen what you want?”
“I can’t afford any of this,” Cass confessed.
“Pick what you want and put it on my account, silly! I can afford it and where the hell do you think all your other presents came from. ”
Cass picked out a beautiful translucent lace pencil petticoat and matched it with a black silk bow bra. Cass admired at a vintage paddle, Sabina asked for this to be added to her purchases, “It is always important to accessorise!”
Julian was not going to the next party in a month’s time, so Cass agreed to go.